5 Tips for Building Better Boundaries
What do well-tended gardens or a flowing river have in common? They both create a sense of ease, calm, and clarity. Just like these comforting images, setting boundaries in our lives can make us feel safe, respected, and free to be ourselves.
Let’s take the metaphor a bit further. A flowing river doesn’t just go where it wants—it has the bounds of the shores, boundaries it stays within. Within those boundaries, it’s free and powerful!
And a garden… You can’t just walk wherever you want. There are some “rules” (or boundaries!) on how to care for it. It needs to be tended to and respected. When it is, you can enjoy the beauty.
Talking about boundaries can be scary because they seem limiting or hard to enforce. But when you are serious about your own safety, comfort, and strong sense of self, boundaries are necessary.
Let’s talk more about boundaries—what they are, why they’re important, and how to use them to bring about a happier you!
But what are boundaries, exactly?
Boundaries are personal limits—your "yes" and "no" to what you’re okay with. They help you define what feels safe, comfortable, or healthy in relationships, whether that’s with friends, family, or even yourself.
Think of them like a fence around your garden: it keeps the wanted things in and stops the unwanted from creeping in.
Why are they important?
Not having clear boundaries can leave you feeling drained, overwhelmed, or even resentful. When you set boundaries, you’re telling others what you need to feel safe and respected. It’s not about being mean—it’s about protecting your energy so you can show up as your best self.
In fact, setting boundaries can boost your mental health. It can reduce stress, help you focus on what matters, and give you more confidence to navigate tough situations. It’s a powerful act of self-care.
What does a healthy boundary look like?
Each person will have their own boundaries. What one person needs may not be the exact same thing as what another person needs. It’s okay for boundaries to be different.
Here are some examples of what boundaries may look like to you:
Saying "no" to plans when you’re feeling exhausted and need to rest.
Speaking up if a friend makes a joke that hurts your feelings.
Asking for time to yourself when you need to recharge.
Leaving the room if your friends are having an intense conversation you don’t want to be part of.
Limiting the time you spend at your family’s house during the holidays.
Not answering work emails after 5:00 p.m. to protect your personal time.
It might feel awkward at first, but boundaries are a way of respecting yourself and your needs.
5 Tips for Building Boundaries
Setting boundaries may feel awkward at first because it’s new or something you haven’t tried before. Or, you may worry about what someone else will think and if they will understand and respect your boundaries.
These feelings are normal and common, but it’s important to push through and still set your boundaries. Why? Because they’re for you and creating the best version of yourself! And, like anything—practice makes perfect. Remember, the loved ones in your life will likely appreciate your honesty, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. Boundaries help build healthier, more respectful relationships by setting clear expectations and protecting your energy. And if someone doesn’t respect your boundaries? That’s valuable information, too. You deserve to feel safe, heard, and honoured in your relationships—starting with how you show up for yourself.
Here are five tips to start building boundaries:
1. Know What Feels Off
Before you can set a boundary, you need to notice when something doesn’t feel right. Your body often knows before your brain catches up. Pay attention to early warning signs like a tight chest, clenching jaw, anxious thoughts, or sudden irritation. These are clues that a boundary may be needed.
Action idea: Try a body map exercise. Mark the parts of your body where you feel stress, overwhelm, or tension. Then ask: What is this part trying to tell me? For example, “My stomach knots when I feel unsafe,” or “My jaw tightens when I want to speak but don’t.” Learning your personal signals builds trust in your intuition.
2. Clarify Your Boundary Before You Say It
It’s hard to express something clearly when you’re unsure what you need. Take a moment to ask yourself: What behaviour is making me uncomfortable? What do I want instead? Boundaries don’t always need to be emotional — they can be about time, space, energy, communication, or physical contact.
Action idea: Use this sentence stem to help articulate yourself, keep it for yourself or use it to talk with someone: “I feel [insert negative emotion] when [insert negative action]. I need [insert positive action], because [insert positive outcome].”
Personal example: “I feel drained when I say yes to everything. I need to start saying no without guilt because my time is valuable.”
Interpersonal example: “I feel uncomfortable when you poke my body. I need you to stop doing that because I want to feel safe in my space.”
Writing it out and practicing helps you get clear — and makes it easier to say aloud later if you need/want to.
3. Use Your Voice (Even if It Shakes)
Assertive communication is a skill — not a personality trait. You can learn it. And like any skill, it gets stronger with practice. What matters most is not what you say, but how you say it: steady voice, direct language, and confident body posture.
Action idea: Practise boundary phrases out loud:
“That doesn’t work for me.”
“Please don’t speak to me like that.”
“I need you to ask first before touching me.”
Stand tall, speak slowly, and keep eye contact if it feels safe. Rehearsing these phrases helps them come more naturally in the moment.
4. Expect Discomfort, but not Danger
Setting a boundary can feel uncomfortable — especially if you're used to people-pleasing or avoiding conflict. But discomfort doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. It means you're growing. Still, it's important to stay aware: in some situations, asserting yourself may come with risk. Not everyone responds well, and unfortunately, some people may react with anger, blame, or manipulation.
Remember: someone’s negative reaction to your boundary says more about them than it does about you. If you feel that you are in immediate danger, call 911 (or equivalent).
Action idea:
Before setting a boundary, ask yourself: Is this safe to say out loud right now? If not, consider using distancing strategies, waiting for support, or choosing a safer time to follow up.
Create a grounding mantra like:
“I can’t control their reaction, but I can control my clarity.”
“If they respond with aggression, that confirms why the boundary was needed.”
“I choose my safety first.”
Practising boundaries is both empowering and vulnerable — go at your own pace and lean on support when needed.
5. Reflect and Recalibrate
After setting a boundary, pause and reflect. How did it feel? Did it shift the dynamic? Did it hold, or was it crossed again? Boundaries aren’t one-time events — they’re ongoing practices that may need adjusting over time. Be gentle with yourself. Not every boundary will land perfectly, and that’s okay.
Action idea: Ask yourself:
What worked well in that conversation?
What could I say or do differently next time?
Tracking your progress builds confidence and helps you fine-tune your communication over time.
Your Challenge: Building Better Boundaries
This week, identify one situation where you’d like to set a boundary. Write down how you’ll communicate it using the "I feel, when, I need" formula. Then, try it out!
Boundaries are like muscles—the more you use them, the stronger they become. You’ve got this!
And, if you want to practice building better boundaries in a safe, inclusive environment and live in the Vancouver, BC area, check out our Arise classes and workshops! We host empowerment self-defense opportunities for both children and preteens or teens and women, blending self-defense, fun activities, and empowering discussions for you to feel safer, happier, and more confident.
If you’re not local, you can also download our FREE A-Z Self-Defense Toolkit to help you get started at home.
