The Power of Telling: Why Building a Safety Network Is Self-Defense
When people hear the term “self-defense,” they often picture striking pads, learning to yell, or practicing how to break free from someone’s grip. These are all important, they teach us that we are not helpless in the face of threat. But there’s one tool that often gets overlooked, and it may be the most transformative of them all.
In Empowerment Self-Defense (ESD), we call it the principal of TELL.
TELL means asking for help, reporting harm, speaking up after something happens, but even more deeply, it means giving yourself permission to not carry everything alone.
And for many of us, especially women and gender-diverse people, this is harder than kicking or yelling will ever be.
Why We Don’t Tell
There are reasons people stay silent, and most of them have little to do with weakness or passivity. Some of us learned early on that asking for help made us a target. Others were told to keep the peace, not make a scene, be “the bigger person.” Some of us told someone once, and were met with doubt, minimization, or flat-out silence. We internalize these experiences. We learn that maybe it’s safer not to speak up. That maybe it’s easier to carry it alone. But what that creates is isolation. And isolation is the condition violence thrives in. It’s easier to manipulate, coerce, or control someone when they feel like they have nowhere to turn.
That’s why TELL isn’t just a follow-up step, it’s a protective factor.
A safety network isn’t something you reach for after the fact. It’s something that makes you more resilient before harm happens.
What Is a Safety Network, Really?
A safety network is more than a list of people you trust. It’s the relational and structural support system that reminds you:
You’re not alone
You are believed
Help is available
You are worth protecting
And here’s the thing, it doesn’t have to be big.
For one person, it might include a best friend, a therapist, or a local community centre. For someone else, it’s a parent or sibling, a hotline, or a weekly self-defense class. For others, it starts with one person who listens without judgment.
It can include professionals, family, chosen family, support workers, even safe places like a martial arts studio, a library, or a neighbour’s porch light that’s always on.
Becoming a Safe Person for Others
While building your own safety network is vital, there’s another layer that’s just as powerful: Becoming part of someone else’s.
If you’ve ever had someone show up for you, really show up, then you already know how life-changing it can be. And sometimes, the most healing thing isn’t finding a safe person, it’s realizing you can be one.
That might look like:
Reaching out to someone you haven’t heard from in a while
Getting to know the new person in the office
Listening without interrupting or trying to fix
Believing someone the first time they tell you something hard
Respecting their pace, their boundaries, and their need to process
Checking in, even after the moment has passed
Saying “I’m here if and when you’re ready”
You don’t need to be a counsellor or expert to make someone feel seen. You just need to be present, nonjudgmental, and kind.
Sometimes you’re the one who needs to TELL. Other times, you’re the one someone chooses to tell. Both roles are powerful. Both are sacred. Both are part of the safety we’re all working to create.
Telling Is Not the Same As Reporting
One thing I emphasize in my classes is this: telling doesn’t always mean reporting. Yes, sometimes it means telling a teacher, boss, or authority figure that something happened. But often, it simply means sharing your story. Saying out loud, “This felt wrong.” Or, “I’m not okay.” Or, “Can you help me figure out what to do?”
Telling can sound like:
“Can I talk to you about something that’s been weighing on me?”
“I’m not sure what to do in this situation, but I trust you.”
“Something happened that crossed a line, and I need someone to listen.”
You don’t need all the answers to tell. You don’t need a perfect timeline or the right words. You just need to start where you are and be brave.
It reminds me of the Dr. Seuss quote: “Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter”, a reminder that the right people will hold space for you, not make you feel small for needing it.
Self-Defense as Interdependence
Self-defense isn’t just about defending yourself from harm. It’s also about owning your right to be seen, supported, and safe in a world that doesn’t always make that easy.
I believe that self-defense is not about hyper-independence and being invulnerable to threat and conflicts, it’s interdependence. We are safer in connection. We are stronger when we know who’s in our corner. And the act of reaching out, of telling someone, is not a failure of strength. It’s an expression of it.
If You’re Not Sure Who to Tell
If you’re reading this and realizing that your safety network feels thin, that you’re not sure who you’d turn to, let this be your sign that you can start building one. Now. Before things get hard.
You don’t need to wait until you’re in a crisis. In fact, it’s better if you don’t.
You might start by:
Reaching out to a friend and practicing vulnerability in small doses
Finding a therapist or support group
Joining a local class or community space that values safety and belonging
Creating a list of people and places where you feel emotionally and physically at ease
And if that feels overwhelming, start with one. You don’t have to tell everything. Just something. And you don’t have to tell everyone. Just someone.
You Are Worth Protecting
If you take nothing else from this post, take this:
You are allowed to ask for help.
You are allowed to speak your truth.
You are allowed to not be okay.
And the people who are safe for you, they want to be there. They want to know.
The more we tell, the more we break silence culture. The more we speak up, the more we model to others that they can too. And the more we build networks of safety and care, the less isolated, and more empowered, we all become.
If You’re Looking for Support:
Not sure where to begin? Join our community on Facebook.
Want to grow your support circle? Come to a weekly class. You don’t have to say a word, just show up and move with us.
Need a resource? Download our free A–Z Self-Defense Toolkit to begin building internal and external safety strategies.
